My Mom was baptized today. It wasn’t the first time, but she was young the first time and felt the desire to reaffirm her commitment to the Lord. I was so blessed to be able to be there with her- what an awesome day! Before the baptism, Therese Marszalek spoke her testimony- what an amazing woman! She has written several books and addressed them as she spoke. The entire time, I kept getting the inkling that I should write. I’ve been getting this inkling for a few years, but have been brushing it off. My Mom has written a few books and when she first started, I got an inkling that I should write. I follow several blogs online and occasionally feel like I should write. I have friends who write and whenever they mention the desire to write, that gut-feeling comes back. However, I’ve gotten very good at pushing it aside. See, I have lots of reasons for not writing: I know too many people who feel called to it– I need to give them space to do it. I’m a “math girl”, not a writer. I don’t have any “one” thing I would focus my writing on (clothes, food, faith, etc.). I don’t know if I would write a journal, a blog, or a book. I’m not great at journaling (twice in 9 months!). I don’t know how to go about writing a blog or a book.
These are all very reasonable and they’ve kept me from listening to this inkling. What I realized listening to Therese today, is that if I truly want God to work in my life, I need to open my life to His work. So far, I feel like I’ve more or less allowed God to be present in my plans, rather than allow His plans to unfold. That’s scary! I have to give up control to allow God to take control, and I really like to be in control. So, I’m writing today to try to open my life up to God’s plan and see what He has in store.
I’ve been going through a spiritual drought of late. I think I’m beginning to understand why, but I feel like I’ve only just touched the surface and it could be a very trying, messy, and scary journey. I have lived a very blessed life. With the exception of my dad leaving when I was young, I haven’t dealt with a lot of tragedy. I’ve never been abused, I’ve never been financially poor, I’ve never been without family and friends to support me, I’ve never even been dumped by a boy (I married the first boy I ever dated- my best friend, my high school sweetheart, the love of my life). A lot of people would roll their eyes and say, “Of course she has faith in God, what has ever gone wrong in her life?” I struggle with this. Sometimes I feel guilt over the fact that I have been so blessed. How can I relate to the pain and sorrow that so many go through, when I have so very little familiarity with it?
All of this has been a struggle my whole life, but what I’m beginning to see is that my perspective is skewed. I’m beginning to think that the life I have lived has led to struggles that are uniquely mine. I have a very performance-based view of love- if I can get enough A’s, be great at sports, and play the piano flawlessly, then everyone will be proud of and love me. This has been both a blessing and a curse. It’s been a blessing in that I tend to make wise life choices- I have never smoked anything (cigarette, cigar, hookah, marijuana, nothing), I remained sexually pure until I was married, I worked hard in school and did my homework every night, etc. Unfortunately, I’m finding that this has led to a belief that I accomplish everything in my life. I make good choices, so I reap the benefits and there is little room for me to honor and glorify God for His hand in my life.
I recently had a senior at school (I’m a high school math teacher) tell me that she is where she is solely because of her own choices; that no one else at home, school, etc. has helped her get to where she is. It made me so sad, as I know her parents and how they have encouraged and guided her. I also know her teachers and how they have helped grow her into the honor student she is today. As that sunk in it hit me that I treat God with the exact same attitude- I seem to think that everything I accomplish is the direct result of my own choices and hard work. And, while ultimately, my choices are my own, I need to honor God by giving Him credit. I can accomplish nothing on this planet without Him. I seem to have an “I can make it on my own” attitude and I desperately want to release that burden and give it Him. I don’t want my whole life to be based on what I can accomplish, because I am only human and can’t do anything. I want my life to be guided by what He can accomplish- great, incredible, miraculous, supernatural things. But, in order to live this way, I have to give Him all of me! I have to listen to the inklings he sends my way and allow Him to work and speak through me. And then, I need to give Him credit when He does miraculous and incredible things.
Heavenly Father, I give my life to You, Lord. Please release me of my desire to have control of my life. I give control to You. I ask, Lord, that You give me strength to battle the enemy when he attacks. Lord, I pray that Your plan will be done in my life and that You will be with me and guide me in this endeavor. Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness and unending love. Thank You that You desire good for me and that You know the plan You have for me, Lord. Help me get out of the way, so You can work in my life. I love you, Father. Amen