I miss me. Not the me who is sitting here writing this. I miss my favorite me. She didn’t even exist all at one time, but there was a me who was in a great place physically at one point- I miss her. There was also a me who had her joys, passions, and life roles well balanced- I miss her. Most importantly, there was a me who was in deep communion with her Heavenly Father- I really miss her.
So, I’m going on a journey to try to find my favorite me again! My plan is to use the verse Deuteronomy 6:5 as my aim. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.” For the purpose of my journey “heart” is going to refer to my joys, passions and life roles. For instance, my roles as wife, mommy, teacher, etc. “Soul” will refer to my spiritual health as a daughter of the Most High. And “strength” will refer to my physical body.
Week 1, Day 1 (±0 pounds)
Heart: It is tough to balance being a wife, a mom, a full-time teacher, and still have time to do the things you enjoy. My husband teases me by saying I have no hobbies. The thing is, it probably seems to him like I don’t. I don’t even know what things I enjoy doing just because I enjoy doing them. Rarely do I have time to just do things I love. I’ve gotten to the point that when I do have some “free” time to myself I choose escapisms. I read a romance novel or go shopping. Those aren’t necessarily bad things in and of themselves, but I typically choose them as a way to “check out” for a while. I didn’t even realize that’s what I was doing until I read “A Glorious Dark” by A.J. Swoboda in which he mentions something as simple as a single glass of wine having the power to be an addiction if we use it to escape. I love my life! I love my husband, my children, our home and neighborhood. I don’t want to escape; I want to be fully present in this amazing life I’ve been blessed with! The desire to escape comes straight from the enemy (satan) as a result of my unhealthy heart, soul and strength.
Soul: Today I’m starting a week of getting up before my kids get up to have a cup of coffee and spend some time with Jesus. I know that when I was my favorite me spiritually, I was spending time with Him. We’ve all had relationships that work well for a long time and slowly start to fade as life gets busy and other things get in the way of spending time together. The truth is, relationships only work when you invest in spending time together. So, I’m going to invest in spending time with Jesus, because our relationship should be a lot closer than it is right now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s scary to try to come back into the light when you’ve kept part of your life in the dark for so long, but healing can only take place in the light. It’s also not going to happen in one day, it’s going to take time for Him to show me what He has planned for me and for me to make some much-needed changes.
Strength: I’ve learned a lot about being healthy and losing weight over the years. In fact, I’ve lost 200+ pounds in my 29 years. However, I’ve never been able to keep it off… so I’ve gained 200+ pounds as well. This is incredibly unhealthy and dangerous for my body, but it isn’t as simple as “just keep it off”. It seems like it should be that simple: If it’s important to be healthy and lose weight, do it. I’m guilty of looking at a woman and thinking, “If she wanted to be thinner, she could. She must just not really care that much.” This is so. Not. True. I care deeply that I’m not healthy right now and I desire to be healthy and lose weight, but first I need to find my “why” and maybe even bring to light my “why not’s”.
Why do I want to lose weight and be healthy?
Well, partly because my husband is smokin’ hot! It’s embarrassing knowing that we just don’t look like we go together.
I also don’t want my children to suffer with the same body image struggles that I’ve faced. I want them to have healthy habits from a young age and feel comfortable and confident in the bodies they’ve been given.
If I’m being honest, it’s nice to be noticed. It’s nice to have people comment on how great you look (and not just your foxy husband).
The problem is, these reasons all involve other people (random strangers, my children, my husband). I need to find my why. Why do I want to lose weight and be healthy for me? Why am I worth investing my time and energy into? It’s easy as a mom to lose sight of myself in the midst of everyone else who is calling for my time and attention.
Seems silly to look at the “why’s” without addressing the “why not’s”. Doesn’t seem like there would ever be reasons to not lose weight, right? Oh but there are! It took me a long time of struggling with weight to realize that being thin scares the crap out of me!
Why don’t I want to lose weight and be healthy?
Let’s just get the scariest one over with… if my husband were ever to leave me, I wouldn’t have weight to blame it on. He would be leaving me because of me. That’s a terrifying, paralyzing fear. If you met my husband and talked with him for ten minutes, you’d know that I have nothing to worry about. He is the most honest, trustworthy, and all around best man I know and he’s completely enamored with me. It’s ridiculous for me to be paralyzed by that thought, but fears are oftentimes ridiculous and it doesn’t make them any less scary.
I’m not very good at exercise. This statement is both true and not true, but it is a belief I have held for a very long time. It’s true in that exercising does not come naturally to me. I am not one of those get-addicted-to-it type of people. But it is not true in that I can learn how to do it despite my nature. I ran (okay mostly speed-walked) a half marathon a year ago. I would have never even thought that would be a possibility for me, but I did it! I wasn’t exceptional at it, but I. Did. It! I didn’t fall in love with and get addicted to running. I didn’t wake up every morning craving that “runner’s high”. But I did feel better when I ran. My husband noticed that I seemed more joyful. And that is evidence to me that I can choose to battle my nature.
Time. Time. Time. No one has enough time to add things to their schedules. Two years ago I decided to delete my Facebook account because it would give me more time. And it did open up a ton of time in my days, but that time was immediately filled with other things. Namely, my children. I look back and can’t imagine how I had time to check it all day long. Oh what I was missing out on!! My point here, though, is that even when we do find free time, it fills up instantly. How do we add something like regular exercise to an already overly full schedule? I don’t know…