Week 2, Day 3 (+1.5 pounds)
Heart: The past year has been a rough one in terms of parenting. I have chalked it up to various things including this age (five) or just my son’s personality. But I began wondering yesterday if it’s a challenge partly because I have to be so introspective. Some of the things I ask my son not to do, not to say, not to laugh at are things I do, I say and I laugh at. No wonder he struggles to understand when things are appropriate. I try to match my own behavior to what I expect of him, but my mood affects whether or not I think he’s funny. I always think I’m funny, so I tend not to get annoyed with my own sense of humor, but if I’m cranky and not in a goofball mood I tend to expect that of my son as well. So I tell him the things he’s doing and saying aren’t funny, when it’s really just my own sour mood that sucks. I have been having to do a lot of looking at my own behavior and how it translates into my parenting… and I think that’s what has made the last year so tough. I expect my son to be better than I am. I definitely want him to be better than I am as he gets older, but he is only five. Maybe I need to chill out for now…
Soul: One of my favorite songs on the radio right now is “What You Want” by Tenth Avenue North. It really hits home what I feel like God’s been trying to reveal to me over the past week and half- my job is just to want what He wants, love how He loves, and follow His lead. I don’t have to try to be the perfect wife, perfect mom, perfect Christian, perfect anything. I just have to let God have control in my life, seek His desires, and love people. That’s a whole lot harder than it sounds for me. Primarily because I’m a control freak. However, I’m learning and every day that I spend five minutes with Him I seem to do a better job of releasing control to Him.
Strength: I went back and forth about whether to be honest about the fact that I’ve gained weight in the last few days, or to pretend I wasn’t weighing until I got it back down. But, the reason I decided to blog about this journey is because I was seeking honesty. I wanted a book that had a weight loss journey written as the person was going through it, not afterward when everything was great. But, I couldn’t find that book, so I decided to write that honest journey, even when it sucks. So here I am, honestly laying it out… I gained three pounds in the last three days. I’ve been on vacation and I tend to take on a “Screw the world, I’m on vacation!” attitude, which is definitely not helpful in terms of losing weight. I was pretty convinced that was the reason I had gained weight on the trip, but this morning I had a thought- it’s almost like I have a friendship with food. Sounds weird, right? You’ve heard people say they’re emotional eaters and that’s definitely something I’ve struggled with, but I think it goes beyond that. It’s almost like I invite food to share in my emotions with me. When I’m on vacation I choose fun vacation snacks, when the kids go to bed I choose romantic date-night snacks, when I’m feeling productive I choose healthy high-protein snacks. It’s like food is way more than a means of sustenance, but a friend I invite along for whatever I happen to be doing. I don’t know how to change this. I don’t know how to make food strictly nutritional- it’s always been a pleasure for me. I also don’t know if this is something I can change by my own willpower. It might take a lot of prayer, research, and time to begin this change in me.